contemplation, life-death-life, monsters and demons, Sharing / Remembering, story time


Its a grey Monday in November: I am 28 years old and supposed to be *grown up.

This past weekend I dived deep into the water filled bath tub and back into my teenage years…

“I took a Lavender bubble bath and made it into a ritual for my inner teenage child. I lit candles for her, for all that she sacrificed at that time. All for her idea of Love.

In the warm water I tenderly and slowly washed and stroked all body parts. I felt her, listened and spoke with her. I held her tight. When the time had come, I opened the plug and let the water run out completely – I allowed each drop of water to carry away the lingering pain and anxiety from this age.

When the last drop of water was gone, I gave thanks and slowly heaved my grown body out the tub. I looked back at the tub for a moment.

All water was gone but there were hills of white, sparkling foam left behind. It looked sad there in the empty tub, as if it was wondering where all the water had gone. I left the foam behind in the tub, giving it the time it needs, to dissolve as well.”

When I hopped in the hot water at my friends’ empty apartment in this foreign city – I was spending another weekend with yoga and meditation – this time reflecting on my teenage years. It was the last weekend of this kind where I regularly journeyed back into my childhood and youth with a group, a circle of so called *grown-ups.

One intention of this journey was to clear old traumas and pain that we carry with us and open our heart – eventually to aid us in serving young humans as yoga and meditation teachers.

Over the course of five weekends and six moon cycles, we re-experienced growing up in this universe, this world, this society, this country, this family, these friends, this environment, this body, this mind, this soul.

In a safe space, a closed circle of fellow yoginis and yogis, I allowed myself to listen to the voice and feel all the different feelings and emotions of my sweet and sour inner children at each stage of the incredible evolution of this phenomenon that was birthed, named Nicola and found herself separate in a strange world full of names and meaning.

This past weekend was the last one of a series of weekends dealing with years 1-3, 3-5, 5-7, 7-11, 11-18 and on. This last one was about my teenage years…

In hindsight I’d say I was 13/14 years young when the desperate “trying to be what I am not” got out of control. For the boy I was desperately in love with, was 7 years older than me – for him I wasn’t old and not experienced enough. For some girlfriends who I admired – it felt like I wasn’t cool and not hip enough. When I was thirteen I started to regularly get completely wasted on weekends, I smoked Malboro cigarettes in school breaks, stole clothes, accessories and make up from department stores. Around my 14th birthday I smoked the first of thousands of joints, and when I was fifteen my eyebrows were plugged out almost completely. It was the same time  I explained to my parents that I finally got the 22 year old stoner boyfriend I desired so much and that from now on I would sleep over at his place several times a week.

Just to give a little idea. Overall, I always felt like I wasn’t enough. Not enough of what I believed I needed to be so the people would love me back.

And today?

Today I say THANK YOU, to the Great Mother Nature and the Great Universe for getting me together with the right people and places at the right time. Thank you for bringing me back on track when I grew out of this teenage phase. Thank you to my amazing body for still developing the brain, mind and body so well and healthy – despite all the weed and booze at this young age and despite all the emotional and physical torture I put my bodymindsoul through.

I say thank you Great Spirit for bringing me here and guiding me on this path. I have no idea where it will lead but I know where I am right now feels so right and so good! And maybe a little *grown-up.